Taking a loaded assessment of my 'life circle' in-between the holidays. It's obvious even from frequency of posts that opportunities to reflect, those demanding time & care & thought, are alarmingly few, so grounding in some planning before the new year gets up and running (and sprinting and kicking) as usual.

It feels good to have made progress; the understanding of things I have completed or am working on is satisfying. My health and my friendships/relationships are in a much better shape than they were just a couple of years ago. At the same time, our finances are in total disarray despite a decent salary. So that helps narrow down the focus 'slice' and get specific about how to tackle it. I love this kind of planning. It does feel like main areas of life are a tight package, and that some work better than others; so that time & resources & talent can be spend shoring up the weaker spots.

Legal stuff is a mess too - from my citizenship to things like wills and guardian assignment, we're totally unprepared. Irresponsibly so.

And so it looks like 2019 will be a year of more technical stuff - paperwork & numbers - but that in itself isn't so much an issue as mentally organizing myself & Allan to follow through with plans taking shape. It doesn't feel unsurmountable, just ... a lot, and very detailed, and requiring at least some professional help, and I'm not particularly good with micro details, I'm clearly a more macro vision person. But I know 100% that this will be worth SO. MUCH. PEACE. OF. MIND. in the end. Just to feel the weight fall off my shoulders and feel prepared for life's crises & emergencies & unforeseen events. As always and ever, man's plans are not God's plans, and I'm always open-handed about what may be; but having made arrangements for life as I know it, I'll feel better having to handle the unexpected.

Plus I want to show the kids that it's all mental. Always, and everything. Giving up, giving in, playing the victim is all mental. In any circumstance, our only responsibility is to show up fully and do everything in our power to improve our lot, and those around us, and it is ALWAYS possible. Discipline is a powerful muscle.

And as always, and as often as I forget to think of it consciously, Lord willing. Deo volente. I will do the right things insomuch as I can see ahead of me; but keeping my hands, head, and heart fully open to His will always.

For those of us who qualify as life's perennial 'fixers,' leaving something to just be - to not act toward black or white, toward yes or no, toward some fixed outcome - is not native.

Having discovered that in life's discomfort lies the greatest opportunity for growth, I've leaned into the wait. The forced, executed pause between the happening, and the response.

The considered removal of an option to act instantly creates a remarkable amount of unadulterated fragility. It is akin to holding back a wild animal. The impulse continues to tug, tries to pull forward, to alleviate the suspended pregnant pause. It is easier to arrive to a destination - any destination - and recalculate, than to wait at point A and not yet select a point B. I suspect, however, than in this waiting lies a great deal of wisdom.