Advent

Madeleine L'Engle quotes Cardinal Suhard (Archbishop of Paris throughout 1940's) in her book, "A Stone For A Pillow: Journeys With Jacob": "To be a witness does not consist of engaging in propaganda, nor even in stirring people up, but in being a living mystery. It means to live in such a way that one's life would not make sense if God did not exist."

I cannot know if my life is lived in such a way - seen in such a way. I suspect that paying too much attention to how it is understood from outside can also be a dangerous path to a hunt for self-righteousness. Even so, this has resonated with me as a minor litmus test of faith; the proposed definition reminds me to commit, in the instinctive way, to making choices that are solely framed by the word of God, by grace, by holy expectation, and not culture, vogue, desire to fit in, or self-validation.

I know my heart to be restless, in a major, always-present way, regarding my impact on the world; the footprint of my life on life of any others. I'm zealous for consistency in my approach to those whose paths my life crosses, although I often fall short of utter engagement and pull back into my shell where I keep considering my role, my purpose. Similarly, I hurt deeply considering the grief - simply astounding grief and sorrow that wash over the rest of the planet, and I'm consistently troubled by my own perceived ineffectiveness to contribute to larger causes.

Austerity. Pairing down. Minimalism. Maximizing resources. I really do suck at unlearning decades of poor decision making when it comes to spending my 3 T's (time, talent, treasure) and filling holes in the mental fabric with quick things, or informational fast food readily made available by social media, which is both ineffective and terribly wasteful. I'm trying to pull back to the stripped-down, made-naked, fully-exposed, hard-core essence of who I am made to be. I'm closer now than before, and the impact of living closer to my own center is powerful; but I'm OK knowing I still have 'miles to go before I sleep', before I strip facades further down.

Jessica once said that money behaves the way you behave toward it; if it usually fills you with fear and insecurity, if money appears to you something ephemeral, unsteady, hard to keep, you end up repelling money - it is as if it washes through your fingers. If money, instead, is rather firmly in your service, and you steadily a master, it behaves well, sticks around, and becomes of benefit. I have no need to be wealthy, but I do yearn for fiscal discipline and freedom from debt and dependence. In addition, I want to know what it's like to freely give - to drive benefit to others. I'm 38, and I feel pressure to get shit together and get this aspect of my life out of shady corners of the subconscious, and tackle it almost aggressively - like I would tackle an overgrown closet, or an overlooked pantry. Weeding out, pulling all out into the light, sorting, divesting, organizing, putting it back paired down and neatly tied up. I think it's all about unadulterated freedom, in the end - as long as there are strings of debt and obligation, the world has its anchors on you, on dreams, on ambitions, even the selfless ones. I have to know that to truly soar, I have to grind down and clean up the mess first. That's hard and requires forethought and sacrifice, and more discipline in areas of life that haven't seen any for a while.

Discipline in general has also been a subject of some consideration for me. One easy definition has been along the lines of doing what is right no matter how it feels. Feelings, in general, I'm finding to be increasingly poor guides of sound decision making. I've had many a train of thought run along these tracks; from being mildly fascinated with Eastern cultures where self-discipline is exponentially more a priority than the Western - especially American - hunt for instant gratification and ease of consumption to the point of dulling the senses; to my own upbringing where the feelings & discipline were more tragically misunderstood and made to clash, and critical life relationships lost in rigid insistence on denying one their space & emotion & depth of spirit. For this season of life, I'm choosing some focus on discipline as a self-imposed method to overcome typical inertia and resistance to making deep, key changes to stabilize the health of several key life aspects - physical health; personal boundaries and setting expectations for others about how I need to be treated; clearly financial health as well; professional acuity which revolves around priority principles of teaching, coaching, focus, and learning.

I'm still accepting applications for a best friend. That person who gets me at a previously unconceivable level. During Thanksgiving, Laurie, observing me puttering in the kitchen after the meal, noted in my direction - "I see you and your introverted ways." I knew she knew - that I needed to get away from small-talkish conversation. For some reason, that flash of more than surface recognition of WHY I was doing what I was doing was superbly refreshing. I want this - all the time.