Speakeasy

I would like to feel less lonely, but I actually like being alone.

I would like to have a friend – a few – who actually get me. Get me to be myself, without any pressure or discomfort.

I am constantly busy, but often feel isolated.

I feel both competent, and remarkably insecure. Sometimes at the same time. I think it may be OK.

I think I should spend the next five years cleaning up all the grown-up things in my life. Health. Fitness. Finances. Credit. Good marriage.

So I can spend many years after that enjoying what the cleaned-up grown-up life affords. Travel. Activity. Memories. Hobbies. Our own home. Investment in my kids’ interests.

Do I lack discipline, or focus? Or time? Or energy?  To get going? Or trust in God to enable all the right steps?

I want to feel stronger and healthier. But I’m afraid to start from ground zero. It seems monumental and unachieveably distant. So I’m discouraged.

I do have a backbone. I’ve learned to appreciate that a lot about myself. I have a voice and an opinion, and they count.

This house doesn’t make me content. I think it may be the tired carpet. Or lack of truly comfortable spaces and pieces. Or the long, narrow space. I don’t think we should stay here too long.

Then there’s Memphis. I don’t know about Memphis. Why would they want me? Why would I want them?

Trying to stay thankful, for the job I already have, and not be discouraged by feeling isolated in the kind of job it is. My team is really great, though.

I’d like to be more relaxed. But I feel like there’s so much hanging on me.

I also want more color in my life. Just bright, light spaces, and cheerful surroundings.

I want good space for a garden. Garden tends me, as much as I tend the garden.

I do realize how unbelievably blessed I am. Every day. My wants and desires are fairly humble. I think.

I think often of how to best help others. I’m overwhelmed easily by the troubles other people see in this world, tragedies, even. But I feel I must find my way of making a difference in someone else’s life. And that I must teach my children how to do that.

I’m a smart, eloquent, somewhat rough-edged person. But I’m doing much better at accepting myself now than when I was younger.

I’d like to go on a silent retreat, really. I’d love to just think uninterrupted for about three days. I hunger for that kind of time.

I really wish for a super comfortable reading chair, or better yet, a chaise. I want a small place that is mine to retreat to. Even if it’s into a super comfortable reading chair. I always think of Nancy’s green chair when I dream about that.

This writing thing feels very therapeutic. It lets out steam. I should make some tea.

What precious alone time. Only when I have some, so infrequently, I realize how badly I crave it. While at the same time craving full (real, meaningful, slow, easy-flowing connection, conversation, just interaction).

 I think this gets easier once kids grow, and keep growing. Still, I don’t want to miss too much of their finite childhood time waiting for them to grow. They’re soft and sweet-smelling and giggly when all is well, and that’s very comforting too.

I hope we get along swimmingly when they’re adults. Kids, if you’re reading this and you’re adults, I hope we’re getting along swimmingly and you trust me.

I would hope I can resolve and restore things with my family, my parents. I found I finally no longer cared if my relationship with Mom ever got better. I’m not certain it’s a good thing but I don’t have the energy to even think about anything different anyway.

I found I really like photography. I’m not particularly good at it but I can take beautiful quick shots and I like to consider the whole picture when taking photos. I think I would be good at it if I had time. iPhone is a very helpful thing to have for these on-the-fly moments,

I’d love a library. Full-scale library for my books. Not family books, or random books that come to live on my shelves. My books, all in front of me, which I can pull out, and reference, and re-read, and loan out.

I hungered to write (rather, I was uncomfortably restless, and couldn’t do any more gadgetry), and am glad I did. I feel depressurized.

I should sleep. Praying for good sleep.